Conflicted
by MidnightSnowSapphire
Summary: Everything and everyone is changing around her. Why is change inevitable? Why must they all move on? Why is her best friend no longer acting like the carefree partner in mischief he once was? Jo must deal with decisions in life, and she is faced with a monumental question that could change her most precious friendship forever.
1. Inevitable

**Hello readers! I would like to thank everyone who has read and/or reviewed my other 2 fanfictions... Thank you! :D**

**I read Little Women for school and I LOVED it. But there was one thing that didn't happen that I really wanted to. Hence the inspiration for this story. Oh, and I recently found out that there are actually sequels to Little Women! But, I have no intention of reading them. I'm just gonna leave it to my imagination. ;)**

**This story is in first person in Jo's point of view. She was my favorite character from the book.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters, they are all the sole right of Louisa May Alcott. I do, however, own the following plot.**

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_Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. To keep our faces toward change and behave like free spirits in the presence of fate is strength undefeatable. _

-Helen Keller

~I gallop merrily through the trees, laughing like I have not a care in the world. Which is not true at all, of course, but it does my heart good to have moments like this where I simply forget that fact for a while. I lift my skirt above the brush as I walk down the steep hill, and I emerge from the bushes to behold the glorious sight of the lake. My sisters and I love to have picnics by the water, and I would mischievously splash them when they are unaware, to which Meg scolds me on soaking her dress and insists I give up my obnoxious boy act.

I walk along the water's edge, my buoyancy fading because my sisters are not here with me. Meg excused herself to go window shopping; Mr. Brooke offered to accompany her to which she agreed, a little over-zealous. I doubt we will see them again before the day ends. Amy, being the only one who can truly stand her any more, set out for Aunt March's house. She seems to have grown a bit fond of Aunt March, though I am sure the turquoise ring she always wears on her forefinger did no harm in the development of that. My poor Beth is still a bit weak, so she doesn't venture out much. Mother tends to her and Father, and Hannah tends to our home.

I feel as if everyone is moving away, and I am trying desperately to keep them in place. I don't want anything to change, I don't _want_ everyone to leave. Why is it that I am the only one who feels this way? Why must moving on be inevitable? Oh, how easy it was when we were all kids and truly had no care in the world. It wasn't even that long ago. We have grown so much in so short a time, it feels like we won't stop until our heads bump the ceiling.

I strip off my shoes and stockings and wade bare foot into the cool water. I gather my skirt in my arms to keep it dry. Meg admits that I have grown considerably lady-like in the past year or so, but she would absolutely shudder at the way I now hold my skirt above my knees. I laugh at the thought of Meg's face.

"What is so funny?" someone says suddenly. I whirl to face the owner of the voice, only to see Laurie standing against a tree.

"Teddy!" I cry excitedly, trudging through the water towards him. I embrace him, and then pull back to look at him. "You frightened me! How long have you been there?"

He shrugs. "A while," he replies nonchalantly. I roll my eyes at him before sitting on the ground and stretching my feet out to let them dry. He sits down beside me.

"You know, it's quite rude to sneak up on someone without alerting them to your presence," I scold playfully, nudging his shoulder with mine. He looks at me with faux remorse on his face.

"Forgive me, madame, for I was merely observing the sight of you enjoying yourself in the water," Laurie defends himself.

"Well," I say innocently as I casually stand up and walk towards the water again, "perhaps you should have joined me in my splashing, instead of standing back as an audience." Before he can understand what I mean, I bend over and run my hand deeply through the water in his direction, effectively soaking him. He stares at me in shock, his mouth forming an 'o' as water drips from his hair onto his jacket. He stands up carefully and I take a step back, watching him suspiciously. It is unlike him to just endure something without retaliating. He walks slowly over to the shore, not saying anything. Before I can turn away, he splashes me in return. I shriek as the water pelts my dress.

Our water war carried on for quite some time, until we were soaked to the bone and shivering. Laurie removed his jacket and handed it to me and I attempted to dry myself off as best I could with the damp fabric. And now here we are, lying on the grass and basking in the sun's warmth, allowing it to dry us naturally. My eyes are closed and my hands rest behind my head.

"I shall be off to college soon," Laurie says suddenly. I squint one eye open, peeking up at him sideways. His brow is furrowed in deep thought, his eyes faraway. I sigh quietly. I have been ignoring the knowledge that my best and oldest friend will soon be leaving for a life of travel and adventure, leaving me far behind. But I have tried not to let Laurie know my true feelings, lest they deter his ambitions.

"Yes, I know. How excited you must be!" I say in an excited tone. I may not be happy for myself, but that does not mean I can not be excited for Laurie's sake. "You must write to me always and tell me of your adventures, for I expect you will be experiencing for the both of us." What has my life come to? I shall be forced to live vicariously through Laurie who shall truly be living life to the fullest. He will be having the triumphs that I write about.

Laurie turns over on his side and rests his head in his hand. He stares at me with that same look of contemplation.

"What ever are you staring at?" I ask once I realize he is not going to stop. I raise my eyebrow at him, challenging. He sighs and sits up, looking off into the distance. Looking, but not seeing.

I sit up, too, and watch him. When he does not change this position, I wave my hand frantically in front of his face. He breaks out of his reverie and laughs, shaking his head as he looks at me. I have successfully broken him out of his distraction. But, what was distracting him?

"What troubles you, Teddy?" I ask, concerned. Where is the boy who was joining me in a splashing battle just a moment ago? He sighs again, and looks down.

"I am to go off to college..." he repeats.

"Yes?" I encourage, puzzled.

"Start my life, indeed," he says. Though the concept of being free to do with his life what he pleases should have been enchanting, he seems only burdened by some worry unbeknownst to me.

"I suppose so. Isn't it thrilling? What I wouldn't give to have the opportunity you have," I say, trying to lighten the gloom he has found himself in. He looks at me with a peculiar expression.

"_What_ could you possibly be mulling over?" I exclaim exasperatedly, throwing up my hands, frustrated with his cryptic speech. "It is quite obvious that you want to say something, so stop debating over it and spit it out!" I conclude impatiently. He raises his eyebrow at me, trying to suppress a smirk. I cross my arms and narrow my eyes at him, waiting. The playful expression leaves his face and he's serious again. He turns to where he is facing me completely, closing a few inches between us.

"I've been thinking a lot lately-"

"You've been _thinking_? Well, no wonder you're at a loss for words. You have over-exerted yourself," I interrupt, unable to resist teasing him. He chuckles quietly and rolls his eyes at me before he resumes. His eyes stay locked on his clasped hands as he speaks.

"I've been _thinking_"-he puts emphasis on the word, daring me to say something else-"about my future and I can't help but feel like... I don't know, like I'm missing something." I tilt my head at him, thoroughly confused. "As if my life is, or will be, incomplete." He looks up at me, his eyes gleaming.

Fear lances through my body, leaving me paralyzed. Fear of his next words. I'm afraid I know what he is about to say. No, he couldn't. Not my Teddy. Before I can regain control of my benumbed body and tell him to stop speaking, to not utter words that may very well destroy our friendship, he continues.

"When I think about what I want for my life, there is one thing that I realize I desire above anything else," he says in a hushed tone. I'm shaking my head slowly, my lips parted in horror. He ignores this, and gazes at me in adoration. Never have I seen him look at me with such an expression on his face.

"I have loved you since the moment I first laid eyes on you," he says softly but passionately. "You are beautiful in every way and everything you do." Beautiful? No one has ever called me that, for I am not. Meg is beautiful, always has been and everyone knows it; but me?

He takes my hand in both of his. "Josephine." Laurie has never called me by my full name. What has happened to my friend?

"Will you marry me?"

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**Rest assured, there will be more chapters. ;) This is my first fanfic that will not be a one-shot! :D**

**I really strove to stay in character with Jo. What do you think? Please review! :)**


	2. Emotional

**I am so sorry that it has taken me so long to upload this next chapter! I'm not used to having a fanfic that requires an update! :P Anyways, I'll try not to take so long next time.**

**I'd like to give a shout-out to all the reviewers of the first chapter! Thank you! :D And also, thank you to all the people who are following this story! I hope you all won't be disappointed. :)**

**Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters, they are all the sole right of Louisa May Alcott. I do, however, own the following plot.**

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_Experience is in the fingers and the head. The heart is inexperienced._

-Henry David Thoreau

I can not move. I stare at Laurie incomprehensibly. He'll probably think I've gone mad if I don't respond soon, but my brain is too busy running over his words again and again to tell my limbs to move.

I realize he is staring at me again - or, staring at me still. I shake my head vigorously and break away from his gaze. _Get a hold of yourself, Jo!_

"Teddy, have you lost your mind? We would kill each other!" I exclaim, trying to discuss this rationally. He is simply laughing softly and gazing at me with an unfathomable expression. "Neither of us could reason with the other. We can't even do it right now!"

"I could," he states. But, suddenly looking unsure, he adds, "I could learn to." I'm shaking my head again before he is finished.

"We are both ridiculously stubborn, and you can not honestly tell me you would yield if we were at odds." He opens his mouth defensively, but I cut him off, "Look, we can not even discuss this properly without arguing. But _why_ are we discussing this? Teddy, you are my dearest friend, why must you go off and get this idea into your head. Have you been talking to Mr. Brooke?" Meg pops into my head when I say the last part, and I cut my rambling short. Oh no, I did not want what happened with Meg to happen at all. And now it may very well be happening to me! No no no...

"Jo," he says, bringing my attention back to him, "I love you." I gasp quietly at his words.

"I am too young," I whisper feebly, trying to come up with some excuse that will distract him and myself. But of course, Meg is too young as well, and did that stop her and Mr. Brooke from securing a prolonged engagement?

"The same conclusion I have come to as well! But do not worry, I did not plan for us to elope at once," he replies, making me realize he has thought this over many times before. He grasps both of my hands in his as he speaks his next words, "I will wait until you are of age and your parents may grant me their blessing. John's success has given me hope!" The shine in his eyes is causing butterflies in my stomach... Wait, what?

I stand up quickly, pulling my hands from his. He seems confused, and he looks up at me from where he is sitting on his knees.

"I must go now," I blurt out before I turn and run as fast as my dress will allow. I hightail through the woods, ignoring it when I realize I have left my shoes and stockings behind and am indeed running barefoot through the foliage.

What has happened? When Meg fell in love with Mr. Brooke, I fought it so hard. I tried to help her resist it, but she gave in. How is it that I find myself in the same situation? No! Not the same. For I do not feel for Laurie as she feels for Mr. Brooke... right? Of course not!

My head aches from the intensity of my thoughts. I am almost home now. Oh goodness, what am I going to tell my family when I arrive? I am sure my appearance is frazzled. I've been running through the brush for who knows how long, and it was sure to tear my dress and scrape my skin. The bottoms of my feet feel sore and tired.

I burst through the door and shut it loudly, leaning against it and gasping for breath. A few moments later, I hear a pair of feet scuttling my way. Meg's face appears, looking quite startled. Thank goodness, exactly the person I wish to confide in. But I am surprised she is already home from her time with Mr. Brooke.

"Jo, what is amiss? Oh dear, you look excited!" Her face clouds with concern as she rushes forward. She leads me to the sitting room where Mr. Brooke waits. "We grew weary of walking, so John and I returned home," she explains upon seeing me noticing him. He is now, also, looking at me with creased brows. Why must they stare at me so?

"Now, tell us what has happened. You seem in quite a shock," Meg says. I must look worse than I previously imagined.

"I intend to tell you Meg, but I have no desire of doing so with your John here. I do not know if I could stand to tell any person of this other than Meg at this point; so I apologize, but I must speak with my sister alone," I state, looking at him decidedly. Meg stands without question, pulling Mr. Brooke up with her.

"If you will excuse us, John. I had a wonderful day with you and I thank you," she tells him quickly, kissing him lightly on the cheek. "And if you will please, tell everyone on your way out not to enter this room," she all but kicks him out. He nods at me courteously and, throwing a wistful glance at Meg, exits the room on his way to warn the other occupants of the house.

"Now, what troubles you, Jo?" she inquires as she sits next to me and reaches for my hand. It reminds me of when Laurie held my hands, wooing me. Hers are rather delicate, whereas his were strong and firm- What?! I shook my head to clear it.

"It's Laurie," I blurt out, turning to face her fully. She looks at me, perplexed. I am the only one who calls him "Teddy", the nickname I dubbed him with. I will only not call him that if I am upset with him. She takes this as a sure sign that something is definitely upsetting me.

"Have you had another falling out with him? This one must be incredibly serious," she murmers, fussing over me anxiously.

"He has completely lost his mind!" I explode, standing abruptly onto my bare feet. "I don't know what has gotten into him! We were perfectly gay, teasing as usual, by the lake. Then he gets into this _mood_, and he is suddenly springing these incredulous ideas on me!" I stop my pacing and breathe. Meg is still sitting, patiently waiting through my rant.

"He asked me to _marry_ him!" I blurt out, waving my arms to accentuate my emotion. Her eyes widen as she absorbs my proclamation. She reaches for me and gently tugs me into sitting.

"Jo, please expound on this," she requests breathlessly. "What all happened?" I explain slowly and in great detail all that occurred down by the lake. She listens intently and resignedly, her confusion ebbing away, replaced by a dawning comprehension. I don't pay mind to her particular expression until I am finished. By then, she is _smiling_ at me.

"_How_ could you _possibly_ be grinning at a matter such as this?!" I accuse her, "I am practically crawling out of my skin! I don't understand any of this, and your apparent amusement at my situation is not aiding me at all!" Meg is now positively beaming at me, but she attempts to smother it when she realizes it is aggravating me.

"Jo, calm down and think about this reasonably," she starts. I open my mouth to protest, but she cuts me off, cupping my cheek with her hand as she speaks. "You allow your emotion to flare up prematurely without considering the entire circumstance," she says sadly, looking at me with wisdom gleaming in her eyes. While my initial response is to deny it with fervor, I realize this will only prove her point. So I wait a moment before I speak, to keep my emotions in check.

"What exactly are you insinuating Meg?" I reply calmly. "Besides my obvious lack of filter for my temper, what is your conclusion for my predicament?" I tried to speak with composure, but I'm sure both she and I noticed the subtle plea in my voice.

"Do you care for Laurie?" she asks simply.

"Of course!" I reply emphatically. She knows this.

"The same as he does you?" she challenges, hinting at his change of heart.

"_No_," I reply a little too quickly, but I realize it sounded more like a question. I look at her in confusion, not at her question but at my own peculiar response. She smiles knowingly at me, which only exasperates me further. I raise my eyebrows at her, urging her without words to explain.

"I think," she tells slowly, "that you just might." She barely gets the words out before I'm defending myself fiercely.

"I do NOT feel for him in... _that_ way!" I exclaim, once again throwing my arms in the air. Meg purses her lips and looks at me amusedly, waiting for me to compose myself once more. I curse myself internally for letting my temper get away from me time and again. I have only assisted what she is saying and have done nothing to aide my own case. Heated retorts and gestures will not prove that I do not feel deeply for Laurie. _I do not, I do _not, I think persistantly.

"Jo, answer this, okay?" she starts. I nod suspiciously, and she continues, "Why exactly are you acting this way? Is it because you do not care for Laurie in that way?"

"Y...es?" I answer uncertainly. She nods, more to herself, and smiles at me.

"I think you are just being stubborn, because you do not wish to admit that there is something more than just friendship between you and him." My normal response probably would have been to retort sharply, but I find myself silent, waiting for her to continue.

"Would you really have ran away from him if you truly did not reciprocate the feelings? Wouldn't you have stayed to quash whatever possibly misguided feelings he has towards you if you thought they were silly or irrational, as you claim you do now?" I stare at her in shock. There is something on the edge of my understanding, slowly coming to light and revealing itself to me clearly for the first time.

Meg's words ring true. If I had been in my right mind, I would have laughed at the prospect. I would have stayed and argued tenaciously with him, insisting that it could never be possible for I did not retaliate the feeling. I would _not_ have run away! That isn't me, I do not run from conflict. Quite the contrary, I am often at the forefront of it. So why did I run?

_Why did I run?_

"You tell me," Meg says quietly, causing me to realize that I did not only think the words.

"What is wrong with me?" I breathe pitifully. "I detest marriage. I had long decided that I should never fall in love, for all that results is change. I do not wish for our lives to change!" I cry out. "I had thought that I would fight it with every ounce of will in my bone!"

I bring my hands to my face in panic. "And now, I flee at the first whisper for I fear... I have fallen in love," I murmer, my voice breaking on the last word, "with my best friend."

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**So, there it is! Please review and tell me your thoughts! :)**


	3. Revelations

**I am ssooooooooooooooooooooo sorry about how long it took me to update! D: I had self-diagnosed writer's block. :p But I'm here now! Have no fear!**

**I got a couple reviews asking me to update soon (SORRY!) and one Guest commented that they hoped I hadn't abandoned this story - NO I HAVEN'T! It goes against my nature to leave this unfinished, especially when I've come this far and have had the way I want it to end in my head since I started. ;) I hope no one has given up on me! :(**

**Once again, thank you SO MUCH to everyone who has followed/favorite/reviewed this fanfic of mine. It means so much to me! :')**

**READ ON!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters, they are all the sole right of Louisa May Alcott. I do, however, own the following plot.**

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_Falling in love is one of the hardest things to do, because you can never be certain that someone will catch you._

-Unknown

Reading so many novels, I have found that even if you try to prepare yourself, love sneaks up on you and always knocks you off your feet.

Just when Meg opens her mouth to speak, perhaps to offer words of comfort or advice, there is a banging on the front door. My face whips towards the noise then back at Meg, wide-eyed. All the breath has left my body in a whoosh of air, for I know who is inevitably at the door. I stand up quickly and Meg follows suit, grabbing my arms to steady me.

"I cannot face him!" I exclaim, looking at her frantically. Her forehead creases in concern but she nods, understanding. When he knocks loudly again, I whirl around and rush upstairs while Meg proceeds to send him away. When I am in my room I can hear muted voices through the walls, one my sister and one indisputably male. Their voices sound as if they are speaking heatedly. I discover with a sense of bitterness that I have once again fled. I kick myself internally for my cowardice.

The door to my room creaks open and Meg walks in slowly, closing the door behind her. She gives me a sympathetic look when she sees me huddled on my bed.

"He's gone now," she tells me. "Laurie... wanted to return these to you." She sets a pair of objects on the bed near me. I reach for them and see that they are my shoes that I left behind in my escape. I also notice that my stockings are stuffed inside them. Meg sits down next to me and pulls me into her embrace. I don't hesitate to throw my arms around her.

I am silently panicking, and Meg knows this. She strokes my back rhythmically until I abruptly extract myself from her arms. No, I have had enough of feeling helpless. I need to sort out my feelings and determine what I am going to do about Laurie. I will not just sit here and wallow in angst.

Meg must have seen the determined look in my eyes because her face softens slightly in relief. I suddenly feel guilty; how I must have frightened her with my behavior. Jo - always so driven, stubborn, and irate - crumbling at being shown such unexpected affection. Well, that is a Jo I do not wish to visit again.

"I am sorry, Meg," I say quietly, "for you having to bear my emotional burden." When I meet her eyes, they don't hold an ounce of resentment.

"Jo, what has made you react like this? Why has this made you so... sad?"

I sigh. How do I answer this when I do not fully understand myself? Meg waits patiently while I try to provide an explanation.

"As you know, I have had... difficulties accepting your engagement to John," I start, and she nods. "I harbor no ill will towards him, it is just... I do not wish for you to leave."

"I am not leaving, Jo," she interrupts, not understanding what I am getting at yet.

"But you _will_, someday," I continue. "You may not be at this moment where you are going to marry and get a house, but you are planning it. One day you will, indeed, have a family of your own. And you will leave us, leave _me_." She opens her mouth to speak, but I hold up my hand. "Please, let me continue."

I take a deep breath. "I understand that it is unavoidable. We age; and as we age, we change. But I still do not like it. I wish we were forever children and Mother and Father could always be there with us. But it can't be like that. I guess what Laurie's proposal did was to make it real. It made me realize that not only is everyone around me changing, but I am as well.

"Without even realizing it... I was falling for my best friend," my voice quavers when I say it, but I speak with conviction. She smiles, telling me that she knows the effort I am making.

"Jo, I am so proud of you," Meg says softly. I offer her a small smile. "So, what will you tell Laurie?" My face clouds with despair and uncertainty.

"I... do not know if I am ready to tell him," I mumble.

"Jo, you must deal with this; you have to confront this eventually," she admonishes, "confront _him_. The longer you wait, the more you hurt both him and yourself."

She's hit the nail on the head - I don't want to hurt him any more. I probably hurt him irreparably by running from his confession. I didn't even think of what it must have taken for him to admit his feelings; my fight-or-flight response just kicked in.

"I did not wish to hurt him. Oh," I whisper in horror, "he must resent me now!"

Meg begins to protest, but I ignore her, "He poured his heart out and I shut mine down. I felt so vulnerable and I didn't even spare a thought that he might feel just as exposed!" I cover my face with my hands in disgust. "I am so very selfish. I try to prevent you and John from being together, I ignore my own feelings and try to stamp out Laurie's as well, and nothing results except unhappiness-!"

"Jo!" Meg exclaims. Startled, I drop my hands and gape at her. "Do not place so much blame on yourself," she pleads in a quieter voice, "Laurie does not take offense to your response."

"How can you be so sure?" I mean to sound mocking - however unfair that may be - but instead, I sound desperate.

"When he came earlier, he wished to see you. When I told him you didn't wish the same, he put up quite a huff; but he came to understand that you needed time. He wanted you to know that he is not angry in the slightest. He even went so far as to say that he probably went about it the wrong way." I raise my eyebrows at her.

"Um, I don't exactly think there is a right way to broach that kind of subject with me." I look at her seriously before she starts laughing; my glare only makes her laugh harder, and then I join her in the hysterics. It wasn't even that funny of a comment, but I needed the release from the tension of the past few hours. So I laugh without abandon until there are tears in my eyes.

When my laughter dies down, I once again become sober as I try to decide how I will approach Laurie with this subject. I am still coming to terms with my... newfound affections for him, and so I am not sure if I can discuss them with him yet. Or anyone besides Meg for that matter.

"I do not know when I shall speak of this with him," I start slowly. "It is still a lot to process, and I think discussing it with him will not result in any resolution." I give a small smile as I say, "You know how we can get with each other. It might very well likely turn out as a screaming match." I laugh self-deprecatingly.

"I think you underestimate yourself," Meg says in an almost sad tone. "I do not think you will yell; it is not a matter that should be discussed as such. But I do agree that you must take some time with yourself before you take your feelings back to him."

I nod thoughtfully. I am not sure how I shall ever speak with him about such a heavy topic again. I mean, look how well that turned out the last time - albeit my fault, but still. What would I even say? Besides the fact that I do reciprocate his feelings...

No... I love him. I do not simply reciprocate feelings as if they were petty affections, like child's play. I _love_ him.

I picture him with eyes once full of mischief, now with a new gleam of love. His cheery grin and stubborn brow. His temper, almost as flammable as my own. Big dreams and short fuse. Handsome face and strong arms. Full, pink lips... _I love you_, my mind whispers at the perfect picture.

"I love him," I whisper suddenly. Meg jumps a little as I speak out of the blue. She must not have wanted to disturb me as I retreated into my own thoughts.

She nods, understanding what I'm saying but probably confused at why.

"I love him... but now what?" She looks perplexed.

"You should talk to him, tell him," she says simply, but still uncertain for me.

"But then, _what_?" I repeat. "What do we do? Get married? I don't know how to be a wife, what if he doesn't want me when he realizes I can't do _anything_? I couldn't cook to save my life, or his. You know that better than anyone. I suppose I could clean, but what if-"

"Jo," she interrupts me for the second time, "do you really think he would care?"

"Well-"

"Josephine, I swear, if you say yes, I will have to pour ice-water on your head." My jaw drops at this. She smirks at getting my attention with that. "What I mean to get at is that he wouldn't care. He _doesn't_ care. If that's why he wants a wife, then why would he propose to you? For he is also fully aware of your inability to cook edible food. You are simply overthinking everything, you have had an exhausting day." I don't respond because what she is saying makes sense.

"Jo, he loves you," she reassures. "All of you, cooking skills and all. Or lack thereof, I should say." And I can't help the goofy smile that creeps onto my face, despite my efforts to repress it. I get distracted thinking about him and when I'll decide to talk to him, and Meg notices my eyes glaze over. "What you do is your decision. But do not let the fear of failing him as a wife decide for you."

I'm struck with another thought.

"What about Mother? And Father and the others? Do I have to go through all of this again?" Ugh, it was frustrating enough having to go through these emotional discoveries with my one confidante. I don't want to have to explain all of this to my family. "I haven't even told Laurie yet! How am I supposed to tell the whole of my family how I feel when I haven't even told the man I love?!" As these words escape without permission, my hand flies up to cover my mouth.

I almost gasp at the fierceness with which I said my last few words. ..._the man I love!_... Yes, he is a man now, and I love him deeply. Now I have to make that known. But how?

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**The chapter is UP! :D Once again, sorry for the delay. I'm going to stop promising to update soon, 'cause I honestly don't know when I'll be able to. :P Just know that I will not, under any circumstance, abandon this story.**

**Review? :)**


	4. Determination

**Once again, SO SORRY for such a long period between updates. :$ I have a list of lame excuses that I could give you, but you probably just want to get on with the story. :)**

**Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters, they are all the sole right of Louisa May Alcott. I do, however, own the following plot.**

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_It is impossible to love and be wise._

-Francis Bacon

Who would have thought that being in love would be so frustrating? It makes emotions overpower reason, and decisions ten times harder to make. It lights the fire for my passion but extinguishes my bravery. I have never put something off out of fear. But I have been procrastinating talking to Laurie for hours.

I feel like screaming. What on earth am I supposed to say? This is very similar to when I am unsure of how to continue writing a story of mine - I know the vague events I want to take place and how it shall end, but I develop a case of writer's block. How shall I write the miniscule details, the dialogue my characters shall speak, and when and where? Only this is so much worse, for there is no revising what has been spoken aloud.

"Ungh!" I scream into my pillow. I wish to release my sound of frustration to the whole world - let them hear the scream of a cowardly woman who is too insecure to face the man she loves! - but this muffled yelp must do, for I do not wish to draw unwanted attention from the other inhabitants of the house.

Meg has long since left me be. She has convinced me to allow her to speak with our family and explain to them the situation between Laurie and myself. I'm sure she hasn't told them everything - leaving out my breakdowns and tantrums - but the main occurrences, meaning his admission and proposal, and my newfound feelings and... hesitation. In return for my permission, she has promised to make sure I am left alone.

I hear the door creak open and closed. I do not remove the pillow from my face to greet my intruder. The bed gives way beside me, so I put the pillow on my lap and glance up at Meg.

"Do you wish to sulk in here forever?" she inquires, completely serious.

"I am not _sulking_," I snap, "I'm thinking." I slam the pillow back over my face as I lie on my back. I hear her sigh.

"It is nearing evening," she prods. It is hard to believe that it was only this morning when Laurie confronted me. I had skipped lunch and stayed in my room after my talk with Meg.

"How are Mama and Papa?" I ask through the pillow. I feel her take hold of it and lift it from my face. I glare up at her for taking away my weak protection.

"Papa was confused, but Mama was not surprised," she answers. My eyes widen. "Come, Jo, you cannot think that I am the only one who has seen this coming. Mama is as perceptive as I, and she had also seen what was progressing between the two of you. Papa was... less perceptive." She smiles a little during her last sentence. I can only imagine Papa's astonishment at the thought of his tomboy daughter in love. But this slight amusement does not appease what is suddenly bugging me.

"Am I the _only_ one who hadn't a clue of this?!" I exclaim. I groan loudly and irritably. Meg is more composed than I.

"Jo, you have been cooped up in here for too long. You need to do something," she says firmly.

"I _know_ that! Don't you think I know that?!" I explode. I sit up and scowl, my eyes flashing. "How must I approach him? I do not wish to say the wrong thing..." I trail off softly. My irrational anger dispersed as quickly as it flared up. I wrap my arms around my knees and set my chin on them. I resent the look of pity on Meg's face.

"Where...?" I purse my lips before I choke it out, "Where is Laurie?"

The corner of her mouth twitches upward as she answers, "The last I heard, he returned home. But I do not believe he stayed there for too long."

I run my fingers through my hair and fist my hands around the roots, tugging on it. My hair has grown out past my shoulders now. I never really considered it before, nor did he mention a word of it, but I do not think Laurie liked it when I sold my hair. Perhaps he likes it better now? I shake out my mussed hair, as well as my ridiculous thoughts. What do I care what he thinks of my _hair_? I sigh when I realize I care very much what he thinks of me.

Love is unreasonable. It has turned me into such an insecure, emotional _girl_. Am I just going to hide from Laurie? That will only create misery for both of us. I will not inflict that on either of us. I can't.

I can't let the sun set on this.

I stand up, slowly but surely. Meg's eyes follow me, but she doesn't make a notion to move.

"This is your path to walk," she utters wisely. "I can't do much more than I already have. The rest is up to you." She smiles affectionately at me.

I walk out of my room and down the stairs determinedly. As I pass the family room, I see Mother and Father sitting on the couch. She spies me and smiles proudly, conveying her understanding of what I feel and what I am going to do. Father rests next to her, but contrasting Mother, he looks worried. I know that no matter how much he may trust Laurie, he still does not take to the concept of a man in my life. I nod at them before I exit the house.

When I am outside, I see that the sky has already transformed into an orange hue. I cannot believe I almost let this rest for another day.

I also think that Laurie probably did not stay at home and twiddle his thumbs, but I still check with his housekeeper. Having my suspicions confirmed, I try to think where he would have gone. After we have a fight, I usually lock myself up in my room until I can swallow my pride. Well, I've already done that. Where does Laurie go? I never really had to seek him out after a fight. We usually met somewhere in the middle, because we found the other at the same time with the same intention of reconciliation.

I'm walking aimlessly and agitatedly. How can I know someone inside and out and not know their next move? I press the heels of my palms into my eyes and sigh heavily. So much for my impulse of confrontation. My compulsive bravery withers with every unsure step I take.

When I bring my hands down, I see where my feet have taken me. It's the lake. The one I was at this morning, where everything changed. I don't know whether to laugh or cry at the irony, so a strangled sound chokes its way out of my throat. My head drops as my eyes close. A small, rueful smile finds its way onto my lips, and I shake my head.

How stupid am I? I must have lost him as soon as I ran from him. Who would want a girl - not a woman - who can't handle love? That must be what I am doomed to be - a little girl who can never grow up and handle grown-up emotions.

I refuse to cry. I am not going to weep over this, no matter how much my body needs to. This is my own fault, but I will not wallow in self-pity. I shake my head quickly and drop my hands, intending to better myself starting at this moment. I freeze halfway in the act of turning away from the lake when I come face to face with a figure looming beside a tree, a dozen feet away. My body coils tightly in fear, but not for the reason I initially think. I am frozen because the person watching me is the very same I was searching for, the one I had been with this very morning at this very spot by the water's edge.

My lips part open as he watches me carefully, not looking as surprised as I must at our close proximity. If I had been my old self who still thought of Laurie as a friend, I would have voiced my extreme annoyance at his new habit of spying on me. But he's not just a friend. Not anymore. The knowledge has my bottom lip trembling subtly as I stare in silence at the focus of my love and distress.

I can't find any words to say. But even if I did, it seems my voice has been lost as well. So I try to read his body language. His stance is strong, but not as confident as it was this morning. His limbs look tense, rigid almost. His jaw is clenched, like he's holding _his_ words back by choice. And his eyes are weary, older.

My chest tightens with guilt and pain. This is my fault. I am the cause of his change in demeanor. My reaction obviously came across as a rejection in his eyes. One that has taken a toll to his ego. I curse myself silently and try to force myself out of my weak, frozen state. He doesn't deserve this. He needs to know the truth; I need to stop his hurting over this horribly awry, misinterpretation of my body language.

Laurie takes slow, steady steps towards me. He's obviously afraid of the possibility of my running again. He stops about five paces away from me, allowing space.

"Hi," he says quietly, _too_ politely. I hate how he sounds so...formal.

I force the sound past the lump in my throat so I can croak, "Hi." I clear my throat so my voice won't sound so raspy. He shifts his weight and sighs.

"Look, Jo, I'm-"

"I'm sorry!" I blurt before I lose my nerve. He stops short and gapes at me, his eyes widening. "I'm so sorry for running," I repeat, quietly.

I take a few shallow breaths, trying to convey what he's still in the dark about. I say my next words much more quietly, "I do...I _do_ love you, Laurie."

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**Reviews? I know I may not deserve them, but just so you know, the reviews helped me write. ;)**


	5. Confrontation

***hides* Please don't kill me! If you want to see my list of excuses for my procrastination, then look at the bottom. Otherwise...**

**Here is the chapter you have all been waiting for! I know it's, like, half the size of my normal chapters but I hope you're not disappointed! :)**

**Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters, they are all the sole right of Louisa May Alcott. I do, however, own the following plot.**

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_Fate controls who walks into your life but you decide who you let walk out, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let go._

-Unknown

That is not at all how I wanted to approach him - stumbling across him and blurting it out with hardly a preamble. Typical of me, I have managed to mess it up from the start.

Laurie has yet to say a word. He has, at least, dropped his look of shock. I have already grown tired of that emotion, on either of our faces. Now, several emotions are displayed in his expression while I stand there, failing to summon any more words to justify the ones that have flown from my mouth thus far. I see confusion, disbelief...and for a split second, I almost dare to believe that I see a flicker of hope, before it is overshadowed by anger. That last one makes me cringe.

"Josephine, do not mock me," he snaps, causing me to jump. I barely take note that his hands ball into fists, for I am distracted by his stormy expression. "My feelings are not to be trifled with, for they are not a toy." I am already fiercely shaking my head, my mouth seeking the right words.

"No! That is not my intention!" I defend desperately. Wanting to rush to him, I manage to take a few hasty steps in his direction before his look stops me and he turns slightly, no longer squarely facing me. His eyebrows knit together as he eyes me doubtfully. His anger has left him as quickly as it had overcome him, but he still does not relent.

"Jo, I do not wish for you to try and placate me with dishonest affection," he sighs, shifting his feet as he looks away.

"Teddy," I plead. He flinches when I speak and I feel my heart clench. "Please, you have been misled. I have mistakenly misled you. I did not want anything to change between us, I didn't know-I hadn't realized-" Curse my inferiority! I try to tell him the whole story, but I only manage clipped phrases describing my feelings _before_ my revelations, which will only result in further miscommunication between us.

"I was too blind to see what was happening to me. To _us!_ I'm so sorry!" I choke on my words and try to gain the courage that has yet to accompany me all day.

"Jo," he groans, his face squinting, "please, leave me be." I stand perfectly still, not comprehending. His head snaps up and he stares at me with a fiery expression filled with desolation.

"If you do not truly retaliate my feelings, then leave!" he explodes, all but dismissing me as he hastily turns from me and stalks away, towards the water's edge.

I am frozen. My body is a prison into which my mind has been confined alongside my heart, screaming for freedom. For truth.

Laurie is facing the still water. His back is tense, I can see his muscles flex beneath his white buttoned shirt. His hands are trembling and he fists them in an attempt to still their ministrations. I imagine his face is screwed up in effort of restraining the emotions he has been letting roam free.

"_Theodore Lawrence_," my voice booms in the quiet woods, steady and sure. Confidence tethers onto my every breath. "Look. At. Me."

Laurie whirls, startled at my forwardness. Or maybe he is surprised I am still here, believing I would leave as soon as he told me to. I am nearly glaring at him.

"When have I _ever_ been one to suppress my feelings at the cost of my own happiness." This was not a question. He is at a loss for words, truly not knowing what was going on.

"I have sought you out - admittedly on accident - to try and tell you the truth that I have only just discovered for myself: I. _Love_. You." I punctuate each word for emphasis of their sincerity. His body begins to shake - possibly his anger was rekindled by my words? I will not allow him to become angry, for that would defeat my purpose here.

"I would not toy with your feelings as if they were trivial playthings," I vent, bringing up one theory of his that had clearly angered him. "_Nor_ would I fabricate ungenuine love simply to please you, and sacrifice my own interests. Do not flatter yourself, for I am too selfish."

I think I see his lips twitch at my last comment. Hope blazes inside me as, in this moment, I watch the Laurie that I love shove aside the incensed character that had turned me away. I also feel myself finally return from the hesitant, sniveling coward I had been for a brief time. I approach him as I plough on, refusing to stop for another minute at the risk of losing him again.

"I ran because I was afraid," I confess, my voice softening from the sharp tone it previously had. "And I have been in agony ever since I left you here." My face crumples at this admission. I inhale shakily - I must finish what I have started.

"My feelings did not drastically change, as I had always envisioned falling in love was supposed to be, but rather evolved over time - so slowly and perfectly that I did not realize it until the moment was upon me. When _you_ were the brave one who had to show me what this was. But I did not know what it was to feel like this for someone." I step even closer, until I am staring up into his shining eyes that have regained their light and now glow with adoration once again.

"I did not know that I could feel _this_," I bring my hands up to stroke his face ever so softly with just my fingertips, "_with_ someone." He is still shaking, but I now know it is not of anger. Those same three words that had almost been our destruction, I now whisper to him to save us... _I love you_.

And I no longer feel the pain of loss, for he repeats those same words back to me.

My chest is no longer tight. Because he is touching me back, holding my waist.

My breath is no longer forced. Because he is breathing in my ear, holding me.

His heart is no longer broken. Because I have offered mine in its place.

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**My heart was broken for the first time ever, from my first crush, so I didn't have the spirit to write this chapter. Then my family and I moved to a new house, so I didn't have the time. Now that I'm getting over it, and I'm all unpacked, I finally wrote this awesome chapter. :)**

**So, what do you think? Worth the wait?**

**Oh! And also, I want to rename this story but I'm kind of blank. Could my lovely reviewers offer me some ideas? :D Something about the heart... "Caged Heart", maybe? HELP! XP**


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